Waiting

It is unnerving, not knowing how or when, but I am learning all I can do is trust, breathe and rest. Recognising what is within my control

Who will you be?

We have shared a body for 9 months, it is nearly time to release you but I think we are both holding on in our own way. Even as we physically separate I will be here, I will be your safe space as you venture around the world.

Surreal

It still doesn't feel real, even when I see your face on the scans, I am excited, nervous, anxious, apprehensive, I want to be a good mum to you. Please be patient with me.

What is real?

Love. Sunshine. Peace. Rain. Wind. Comfort. Animals. Plants. Family. Friends. Connection. Books.

Follow your curiosity

Embrace the plot twists, they will strengthen you. it is the same amount of energy to grow as is it is to wilt.

You were built for this

We both were. We can do this together. Every breath is one closer to holding you. It is going to be hard, but going to be worth it, like anything is. Thank you for choosing us.

Midnight notes: List

Bring yourself home

When life feels too heavy,
Your brain too foggy,
Step outside,
Inhale deeply,
Watch the clouds,
Observe the trees,
Admire the colours,
and you will feel home.

Size is not equal to importance

I am learning this as you grow, because even when you were smaller than a coin, you filled up so much more space

Growth

Is not meant to be linear

We have peaks and dips

Plateaus

As we keep plodding forward

Softer and wider

Your hips expand
Your ribs expand
Your tummy rounder
Slightly off balance
As you dig deep and find your feet
In this new chapter
The love already so deep

Riding the waves

The joy, excitement, concern, fear, laughter, acceptance, resistance.
Lean in.
Own it.
Allow yourself to glow
And grow
And evolve
Into exactly who you are destined to be

Then there was you,

Beautifully, unexpectedly, powerfully, teaching us so many lessons as we all grow

Midnight notes: List

2 shooting stars

What are the chances?
Yet why not?
Why do we expect the worst...
Promise me, despite the hurt you will take your time to heal continuously and find the strength to hope again

A sand bottle

Layers of experiences
Feelings and dreams
People and places
They never leave us
They shape us and hold us
And when we most need it
We can call on them
To provide comfort and familiarity

Peace

to me is acceptance, of what was, of what is and letting go of what will be

Just you

Just for you.
Look forward look down, look around to check you do no harm,
and power forward and do you
you are bright, brave and there's room for all of us to shine

Be you

Unapologetically.
Wholly
Completely
Shifting through versions of you
Evolving
Growing
Resting
Becoming and always
Belonging

Rose tint

Helps us forget pain and helps us dream
But also remember to but the transparent glasses back on,
when your mind takes you to places,
and likes to tell you that the grass would have been greener if you took a different path
remember you did the best you could, with the information you had at the time and the only real thing is now

Midnight notes: List

To be seen,

is the most precious thing, but to be cherished is what we all deserve

No longer fearful of the quiet

or the sadness, because it passes, everything passes, and it is from ashes that the phoenix rose

Take time to look back,

see the footprints and the path that got you to where you are. and you will see that it was carved out within you all along.

To be present,

is the best gift you can give yourself. Let go of the past, be at peace with the present, and hope for the future

Never ever

let yourself lose hope. The most imperfect things are the most beautiful

Build your own strong foundation,

and water it before you give to others. Love you first, flaws, bumps and imperfections

Midnight notes: List

and then one day

you look around, and you are not the first thing I think of. I wish you well, and the pain doesn't cut as deep. Does it mean a decade of love meant nothing? The opposite, it meant so much. It is that now, I choose me, over and over again. I deserve all the love I gave you.

I loved you unconditionally

totally, despite all your flaws and yet you found all of mine, now I carry my flaws well, I celebrate them, because that is what it means to be human.

the page is blank

it's too much today. but one foot in front of another, moving in my own direction

Fire dances

my heart beats, waves crash, but don't burn like before

I never understood to love

is to let go, until now

Always in my heart

and wishing you the best from afar

Midnight notes: List

Sister

You do not know
how much your love
flows over the oceans
and i feel it as i weep

Up high

I can breathe more freely,
knowing I won't bump into your face, body or posts online,
but I yearn to be closer to your soul on Earth,
even though our Universes no longer collide

If I told you

I missed every inch
Remembered every freckle
Could imagine the smoothness
of you skin as you scrunched your eyes and drove our car
and every night I recall your voice, how you yelled as you spoke
and I see the lines in my body as I break and fold and crumble
and remember that you are no longer mine
and never really were

but you chose me

you don't get to change your mind
that isn't what we signed up for
my promise to you meant i would never feel this pain
and yet here I am on the floor
feeling it all

New roots

they are growing
slowly and painfully
but daily i seek nourishment and water in new places
as the old leaves are left parched from the tears

Blue skies

Clear as day

no cloud in sight

i hope my soul feels that

peaceful one day

Midnight notes: List

Does it hurt you

like it does me?
the burning flame of sadness
has become my baseline
and they say to let go
but how?

the photo

daily memories pop up
they used to bring such joy
now only tears of what might have been

I made you promise

That as we take our separate paths

that you would remember the good times

yet you keep telling me how unhappy you were

and reminding me why we ended

when all I want to do is cling on and savour the beauty

that you now pretend didn't exist

the voice within

knowing somewhere deep deep
deep deep
down that this is a chapter
not my whole story
but yet somehow
I cannot release
I still hold on to the fine, glistening thread that maybe I will see you and you will save me
but if I do, I know I will break into a million pieces yet again

and would I do it all again

of course,
i will take this pain forever,
because it is the flower of our love
and although the flower is now wilted and dying
as it falls, and its petals drop off
it will lead to the growth of other beautiful things
holding in itself the architecture of what we once were

Where I am now

Is not where I will always be,

but right now i do not have the strength to raise a foot forward

so i will stand still and try to find

my peace here

Midnight notes: List

And when you finally let go

you can breathe a little deeper
feel a little deeper
and tears fall heavily
yet you realize that you would take this pain
over staying where you are not wanted every day

Less and less

my energy focuses on you
and I look more at me
in the mirror
and realize nothing was wrong with me all along
and though I may not be perfect
I strove to be everything you needed
yet I was never going to be enough was I?

Let me go

STOP invading my space
STOP criticising me
STOP reminding me why I left.

And then I remember

the kindness of your soul
the warmness of your skin
your caramel eyes
your rounded arms
your small hands
and hairy toes
and i miss every inch
of that person that no longer exists

supermarket shops

are a reminder of what I no longer have
but also a sense of strength of what is to come
and what might be
and what I take forward
and what I let go of
and how just by being me I am completely whole

It always had to be on your terms

and I was ok with that,
until you showed me that other women could offer you things that I couldn't
and my fears of not being enough for you were realized
the years of rejection stabbing me to a depth I didn't know I could feel
and then I remember
first the pain
and then the rising

Midnight notes: List

Never did I ever think

that i would find my home within myself
and without you
telling me how to be
and that i was doing it wrong
but really i was doing it very right
surrounding myself with the people that love me
holding them so tight
as i knew that one day you would leave me
once the grass looked greener elsewhere
and guess what
here we are

find peace where you are

in the softness of laughter
in the smoothness of your own skin
in the sparkle of the stars
and bitterness of your coffee
it is there
i promise

I am afraid to heal

as i don't know what me rests on the other side

let go of the old

and step into the new
let go of the old you
for she is gone
crumbled
no one can survive that demolition
but from pain breeds growth
and step into the unknown
and breathe into whatever flower you will become

People leave

but they also leave space
for something more beautiful to grow
and that's why you must build your home within yourself
so those that join you
become the prints of the wall, the flowers on your desk, the soft rug
not the foundation
you are your foundation.

there is no need to be right in love

love is open
understanding
kind
truthful
loyal
selfless
everything you and I were not

Midnight notes: List

you have to break a little

and get a little lost
in order to learn how to feel again
and trust
and live
but it is worth it

you will always be unfinished

but that is the beauty of life
the opportunity to build and grow
rebuild and change direction
ebb and flow
take it slow and remember there is always peace and joy to be found among the weeds of pain

now i have felt this pain

the moment of joy taste so much sweeter

will this ache of missing you

ever leave me
i just ask that it transforms into healing
and the ache holds me through those long nights
and whilst you may want to refuse what we had
i am able to remember my version
but also i will find peace and this pain transforms
and i will build mountains from this rubble you have left me in

I am forgiving myself,

letting go,
transforming my ashes to roots
and building my fort again
those who bring peace, coffee and laughter are welcome,
all others need not apply.

Silence that voice

that tells you you are not worthy
your presence is unique on this earth
and you are as deserving as every beautiful human
who is cherished on this earth,
build people up, always, with every opportunity you get
and look in the mirror
and build yourself up too

Midnight notes: List

Where did you come from

I was not ready,
To be wanted and cared for,
To be cherished and looked at so deeply,
Like you can see into my soul
And you want to know every piece of me,
To be touched and felt,
By your hands.

You

Your eyes show me the kindness of your spirit

Your skin so soft

Your ears so talented

Your hands so strong

You make me want to jump in and explore your soul

And one day

You will wake up,
and the light will pour in
before the darkness

And then there was you

I wasn't looking for you.

Yet here you are.

I was so desperate to be me.

And I am.

I am whole.

And yet somehow you still complete me.

So different to me, yet so in sync

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How dare you

Have expected me always to make you a priority
Whilst to you I was consistently just an option
Whilst I kissed the ground you trod
And you clouded my mind with thoughts of uncertainty
Let's face it
I was never going to be enough
But thank you for teaching me
That I just need to be enough for myself
You tell them what you like
But we both know the truth
I bent over backwards
When you would not even bend a knee.

Midnight notes: List